How to Get the Love Back When You Feel a Million Miles Apart
“I don’t ever want to hurt you.” I said. “I also know that I will.”
“Me too.” He said.
My partner and I just navigated a scary, painful couple of days.
What we affectionately call a “crunchy bit”.
And if I’m being honest, this one felt more like walking on broken glass.
I triggered his shit.
He triggered mine.
We were disconnected.
His process for sifting through things is internal.
Mine is external.
So I felt abandoned and he felt pressured.
We started to wonder if we are still a good fit but both entertained the idea that maybe not.
This one had us both afraid of losing each other.
And even more afraid of hurting each other in an imaginary future.
Here’s the secret to epic partnership… YOU STILL SHOW UP.
You make an agreement with YOURSELF for what kind of partner you are going to be.
No. Matter. What.
Who you are as a partner is UP TO YOU.
*They* do not make you do low-vibe stuff.
*They* do not force you to feel or behave a certain way.
That is ALL YOU baby.
Emotional gridlock WILL occur in partnership.
Conflict and disconnect WILL happen.
Welcome to human living and loving y’all!
But it is the DECISION you’ve made about *how you will show up* to the turbulence that matters.
Are you clear on what your credo as a partner is?
Are you 100% solid on what beliefs will guide you through challenge?
Are you committed to being a person in integrity with your own values regardless of what your partner is doing?
Or are you trying to make those decisions in the heat of the moment?
Are you handing your power away and making someone else responsible for your own insecurities, fears, and wounds?
If you are experiencing blame, guilt, shame, disgust, resentment, etc. then you are in this second camp.
So let this be an invitation, carve out some awareness and time to make some agreements with yourself.
My commitment is to Be the Woman of MY Dreams:
I honor my feelings and I take responsibility for them.
I open when I most want to close / I lean in when I want to shut down.
I give unconditional love, respect, and trust.
I take responsibility for knowing what I want and sharing it with my partner in a way that he can understand.
I take responsibility for learning to speak his languages and helping him understand mine.
I prioritize communicating my needs and desires creatively, compassionately, and courageously.
I show up 100% accountable for the health and vibrancy of my relationship(s).
I act on behalf of what I want to happen, not in response to what I’m afraid will happen.
Do I always remember this?
LOL. I wish!!
I forget all the time.
But when I do remember, my agreement with myself is that I step up to the plate.
Whenever I have that “Conscious Moment”, the self-revelation of how I could show up in more integrity, alignment, and compassion, I TAKE IT.
Because that is who I have CHOSEN to be.
Sometimes this means leaning on my support network and asking them to support me to be the BEST partner I am capable of being. I ask them to listen deeply, help me feel seen, remind me of my power, and most importantly, to call me on my BS!!
This also means having an honest dialogue with myself about how I have been showing up for the relationship… or not.
In this particular crunchy bit, my curiosity helped me see that I had not been asking questions about how to serve the relationship.
I had been asking questions about why my partner wasn’t magically reading my mind and meeting my needs and why he wasn’t doing x or remembering y.
You are always an active participant in creating whatever relationship crunch you find yourself in and until you can own it and reinvent it, you’re up-a-creek kiddo.
This particularly chapter culminated in an uncomfortable, painful conversation. We both showed up to it curious through our fear, honest with our feelings, committed to understanding one another, and sharing our truths (even the ones we were afraid would hurt each other).
I knew that we needed a new north star to guide us and keep up anchored to our commitment to our partnership so that the next time uncertainty rears it’s wiley little head, we’ll have an anchor to keep us tethered to our highest intent.
We came up with some questions that we thought would help us moving forward when fear gets activated and I’m hoping that you can put them to good use too!
So next time you feel GRRRRR at your partner, here are some questions to help you align to the kind of relationship and partnership you say you want:
- What would be the kindest way to treat my partner right now?
- What do I need to do to stay open right now?
- What would devotion look like in this moment?
- What would be the most beneficial for the relationship right now?
- What would trusting my partner look like right now?
Creating this questions not only helped us both reorient towards our individual commitments to the relationship. It also soothed our nervous systems when thinking about future crunchy bits because we both have a “plan” for ourselves, the relationship, and each other.
What questions would you add to that list to keep yourself anchored to your highest expression as a lover and partner?