I recently lost something that I cared a lot about.
A couple weeks ago I flew to LA to meet up with a man who I had discussed professional collaboration with and I was over the moon at the idea of leading live events with this powerful, passionate soul. We spent a couple months planning the trip and it was turning into a week that was a unique expression of our combined creative mojo. We were going to throw a dinner party with all our favorite Los Angelinos and then we were going to spend two, uninterrupted, no-phone days brainstorming all the epic awesomeness we wanted to create in the world and for the humanity we are called to serve.
And then the week before he asked if his new love could come join the trip. Granted, his new lady is a radiant, kind, funny goddess of a woman and I TOTALLY get why he desired her in his environs all day everyday. I would too if I were him. AAAANNNND when I looked inward, I felt that her presence would totally change the dynamic of this trip that we had created together and I wanted to keep with the original plan. When I told my business collaborator to-be 'no' because that didn't feel aligned for me and explained why, he wasn't able to hear my boundary and things began to unravel. We settled on using this trip (that we had just spent two months planning) to work on our friendship instead.
As I was driving to the AirBnB however, I was filled with a pervasive sense of sadness, grief, and distracting disappointment. It got worse as the evening went on. I realized that what I was now helping create was a far cry from my original intention. My original intention was to explore our creative potential, build my business on my own terms, facilitate connection of epic souls, and re-imagine what is possible when you let your own intuition into the captain's seat. Instead I was trying to "work on a friendship" that was founded on ignoring one of the party's boundaries. That's when I stopped and thought, "WOAH. Pump the brakes. I don't have to keep participating in something that doesn't feel good and doesn't reflect my values, priorities, or desires. More importantly, this is not how I live or create my life." I knew I had to take action.
I had to take my power back.
And that is exactly what I did. I refocused on what I had wanted to create that week and I began to build an alternative experience that lit me up, allowed me to trust and respect myself, and that could be a juicy, playful expression of who I was and it ended up being even better than I could have imagined!!!
Sovereignty is a relatively new individual human experience. It is magical AF too!! I mean I have the freedom to go where I want, be around who I want, eat what I want when I want, etc. I live in the beginning times of a new Era of Choice. And if you are reading this, so are you.
Often times our independence is hard won. We work hard to create any number of different expressions of our agency and freedom.
- financial sovereignty (negotiating salaries, funding your basic needs, creating abundance to enjoy things beyond your basic needs)
- emotional sovereignty (if you've liberated yourself from a codependent or toxic relationship you know what I'm talking about)
- intellectual sovereignty (knowing your own mind, thinking critically, creating your own conclusions, choosing your own thoughts)
- physical sovereignty (utilizing your level of able-bodiedness to go where you want, exercise when and how you want, consume what you want)
- and so many more...
So it's pretty understandable that once we achieve these levels of independence that we guard them religiously and, if we are unconscious, sometimes the defense of our freedom can be counterproductive to what we really want to create. Just think about fear of commitment. People are often afraid to feel trapped when what they dearly want deep down is connection. They just don't see a way forward where they get to have both. (Hint: You can definitely have both!!)
So how do we protect these wonderful, precious liberties in a way that is conscious, empowered, and in the highest service to ourselves and our planet?
For me, I've found it through deciding where I stop and where other people begin. I've started getting clear on what I do and do NOT let into my life. What I will and will not participate in. Then comes the hard part - I must communicate it proactively and lovingly to others. And then follow it up with action.
These, my friends, are called boundaries.
At first it was really scary to draw them and even scarier to back them up with my actions. I was really worried that I would lose connection with others and if I am being honest, I did. I don't know what lies in store for my friend and former would-be collaborator. I know that I currently don't trust our friendship and process the way I once did. It's okay but it is still a kind of loss.
What I DO know is that when I showed up fiercely and lovingly for myself, I made space in my life for more high caliber people to enter and within that week I had four, YES FOUR, new, ignited, magical souls walk into my life from the most unexpected of directions. One literally walked in my front door!
When you let go of something that isn't serving you at the HIGHEST LEVEL, you can ask yourself, "What is this creating space for?" and then see what happens.
So tell me. What is your association with boundaries? How would you rate your ability to draw them? What kind of success have you had with drawing boundaries? How have you failed to create boundaries in your life and what kind of effects has this had on the quality of your experiences and your relationships?
With heaping doses of wild love,
P.S. The Universe and I voted and it's unanimous. You are scrumptious.
P.P.S. If you want delicious, evocative conversations delivered directly to you. Join the Wild Tribe here!