The Single Most Important Thing You Must Do To Have The Love You Want
You’re on a first date and they ask, “So what are you looking for?”
What do you say?
You probably don’t tell the truth.
Most people don’t.
They aren't lying on purpose.
Usually it's a watered down approximation of what they want deep down.
And that's because they haven’t given themselves permission to want what they really want.
They don't even know they are doing it.
I know I didn't.
I used to say something along the lines of…
— “I’m ready for a really incredible relationship and I hope that someday we’re excited by the idea of creating a family together.”
Seemingly transparent, right?
I was giving safe answers because I didn’t want to “scare him off.”
Let’s be real y’all. I am a million-watt woman.
How effective of a strategy do you think that really was?
I was playing small.
So naturally I was attracting people and choosing people who tolerated me playing small.
What should I have said instead?
The Real Answer.
THE REAL ANSWER:
“I’m ready for my star man and I’m ready to be his star woman.
I want to have 4 star babies. Birth two kids and adopt two more.
I want us to surround ourselves with an adventurous, soulful, conscious, contributive community.
I want to travel the world together and build a home in the San Juans.
I want to commit to always being each others’ number one, even and especially once we have kids. I want to model what is possible in relationship not only for our children but also for our community and the world.
I want to feel like we always have each others’ back.
I want to hold ourselves and each other to the highest standard to show up fully.
I want to practice leaning in when we most want to pull away.
I want to sharee a fiercely erotic intimacy.
I want us to be ferociously grateful, constantly celebrating life together and inviting those we love and like to join.
I want to create incredible things together.
I want to juice every little drop out of life together.
I want EPIC FUCKING LOVE.”
That's a lot. I know.
Because the truth is, I want a lot.
And I'm here to do a lot and be a lot...
I remember the first time I shared my Real Answer out loud on a date and my stomach tied itself in nervous, terrified knots because it was VULNERABLE AF and felt soooooo raw!!!
But it was met with a very pleasant surprise.
A big smile and a “that’s cool!”
He didn't tell me I was too much or crazy or dramatic...
The second time I shared the Real Answer, the guys’ eyes got as big as saucers and it was definitely WAY more than he was prepared to handle.
Like I said, I am a lot of woman.
Whoever was going to opt in to writing a love story with me needed to want big and epic too.
Then I told the Real Answer to a man I barely knew lying next to a pool and after I finished sharing my dream love, he was quiet for a moment.
I couldn’t quite read his expression.
I asked him, “What do you think?”
And he said, “I think that’s really arousing."
I was finally able put a name to the sparkle in his handsome, green eyes:
Intrigue and Excitement.
This was the kind of reaction that meant there was real, true, honest potential.
Did I repel some men because of how delicious and daring and bold my dream was?
This made more space and time for men who resonated with the size and caliber of what I wanted until I was dating only men that were just as into creating a flavorful, colossal life too.
Owning what I REALLY wanted actually allowed the man I wanted to opt in.
BUT I HAD TO OWN IT FIRST.
It’s scary and naked and intense. Wearing your desire on your sleeve like that is freaky and vulnerable. But baby it is soooo damn worth it!!!
When you play small, you energetically attract partners who RESONATE WITH SOMEONE WHO PLAYS SMALL and you repel partners who are attracted to powerful truth and big dreams.
When you own your desire, your honest-to-goddess desire, YOU ATTRACT PARTNERS WHO WANT WHAT YOU WANT and repel people who tolerate settling.
So the question is, are you willing to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help you Love???
Are you willing to soul-dive and admit to yourself and the world the beauty and boldness of your dreams?
Are you willing to own that you don’t want kids? Or that you do?
That you want marriage? That you don’t?
That you want monogamy? That you want polyamory?
That you want short-term erotic adventures? That you want a committed, long-term relationship?
That you want to be a stay-at-home dad? Or a stay-at-home mom?
That you are kinky? Or vanilla? Or some flavor in between?
Whatever you want is perfect exactly as it is.
WHATEVER YOU REALLY WANT IS PERFECT EXACTLY AS IT IS.
So if you are yearning for a love story that isn’t present in your life yet, I urge you answer this question:
If you gave yourself permission to want what you really want, WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LOVE?
Then feel how fucking delicious it feels to let yourself wrap yourself around that dream. It’s yours baby. And only you can bring it into being. Give it a fighting chance!!!!
Personally, owning it allowed me to embark on the most exciting, inspiring, easeful, romantic, sexually-fulfilling relationship I have ever had the honor of creating. I am truly living in the process of sculpting a partnership EVEN JUICIER than my wildest dreams. I love getting to be all in on where this adventure is taking us and I can tell you that however long the ride lasts, it’s already worth every exquisite penny!!!!
I’m so thankful to my love for what we've shared so far and for whatever else is to come.